Today Could Be THE Day

I could get fired today. Worst case scenario I could get yelled at by my megalomaniac boss, be humiliated and be asked to come to work again next week AND then get fired.

My stomach hurts because of my building anxiety. I have 7 hours more of this work day and I think at one point during the day I’m just going to puke.

I’m not upset about the prospect of me losing my job. I just don’t want to get yelled at.  I hate it. Especially when I have absolutely nothing to do with the whole problem. But for the most part I am part of it because even if I am not the cause of the problem I am part of the solution and I can’t think of one to remedy the situation. 

I keep telling myself, “I hate this job anyway!” But I somehow end up waking up at 6 am to go here. Why? For many various reasons I presume which I have no energy or the stomach to elaborate on right now.

This could be the day where I get a big slap on the face via adulthood.
This could be the day where I finally decide to do something about my life.
Or this could be just any other Thursday.
Either way, I’m living it. So I guess we’ll just have to see.

I’m Awkward As Fffffck

When I say I’m awkward I’m not trying to be cute. I really am. I have spent years masking my awkwardness with fake self confidence resulting to gassy farts* and I survive most of the time, unscathed. But sometimes, my self confidence is non existent. Just when I need it the most.

Earlier today, the parentals and I went to the mall as we are known to do – I would link other posts where I talk about me and my parents going to the mall but who has time for that. Also this is being typed in my phone.

I don’t know about you but I feel anxious when I go to a place where I am expected to spend money and not have a “plan”. I’m very very frugal. Some call it borderline cheap. I blame my lower middle class OFW parents’ upbringing of this. When I go to a mall I only allow myself to purchase the thing/s I really need. In this case: a liquid eyeliner, brown lipstick and Amy Poehler’s book Yes Please.

Book shopping is my favorite type of shopping (grocery shopping comes a close second). Why?! Because I always know I’m not going to leave the store empty handed.

I take a long time to shop. A really long time. Me going to a bookstore means half the day gone but I always end up buying something. Only reason why I take so long is because I’m trying to decide which Jamie Oliver book I should buy first. Same goes for grocery shopping. I always leave with a bag of half of my income. I just take so long because I’m comparing prices and milligrams. Seriously,  I have my calculator out when I do groceries. But it doesn’t matter because at the end of it I have shelled a portion of my hard earned money to pay for the amount of avocados I squeezed to decide on the ripest one.

One of my weird paranoia is sales people thinking I’m trying to steal something. I’ve lifted stuff as a kid mostly because I was checking if I could get away with it. Calm down! Their only gel pens and glow in the dark markers. I’ve lost all of them to stealing classmates so…karma. As an adult you become skeptical and think that everyone is out to get you which is weird because you’d think as an adult, people will have to take you seriously. But we don’t. We’re all secretly and silently judging other people. Oh! Just me?! Is everyone washing their hands clean off this?! You too Alanis??!!

Where was I?? Oh right! Mall. Book. Buying. So I purchased the book and went to Boots for the eyeliner and lipstick.

I’ve mentioned this before but imma say it again. I’m not good in make up. Even the idea of buying make up terrifies me. But I still do because I know when I get home empty handed and I watch another beauty guru video I’m going to regret not buying that eyeshadow that’s supposed to make my eyes “pop”.

The bad (and good) thing about make up is you have toooo many choices. From brands to formulas to skin type to shades, these are all foreign to me. So I always end up choosing the cheapest one. All the damn time.

A kind sales lady pitched me this eyeliner that has this “hard tip” (that’s what she said) also telling me that it’s better for beginners. The price was unreasonable, especially for “beginners”. So I awkwardly picked up a cheaper one with a soft tip instead which made me think that the sales lady is thinking I don’t appreciate her input. I silently scream, but I do!!! I just don’t have that much disposable income!!

The same sales person helped me pick a brown lipstick. I’ve never worked in retail but I always had this notion (albeit ignorant) that their trained to sell you the most expensive item in store.

I told her that I just want a “matte brown” lipstick. You know, make up jargons. She proceeded to “swatch” several shades of lipstick while rambling about gloss and vitamin e. The end result was me saying yes to a lipstick I really don’t like because I didn’t want to be rude the second time.

When I got home I immediately tried on the lipstick feeling worse than coming home empty handed and half cryingly told my reflection “we’ll make it work”.

The moral of this story is, stick to what you know which in my case books and food and/or have someone, ideally a friend to whom you can easily say no to, accompany you when you go make up shopping.

So tell me, am I the only one who lives like this? Or is this post too long for your short attention span??

*is referring to my farts as gassy redundant?