I don’t often talk about hot button topics like not wanting to have kids. Not because I fear the barrage of negative comments nor do I want people to agree with my personal take on motherhood. I don’t talk about this particular topic, especially in my blog, where it’s immortalized in the Internet – for however long the Internet is here to exist – and also because I’m 28 and I don’t know what my life will be like in the next years to come. But also when you’re a 28-year-old female you are constantly pushed to pressures of being married and child bearing because “you are getting older”.
I don’t remember who I first told that I don’t think I’d want to have kids but I remember the relief that I felt when I finally did. I grew up in a culture where this thinking is unnatural and sometimes seen as a sign of selfishness. And when I am meet with this kind of questioning, I do say, “Yes, I am selfish. And that’s precisely why I don’t want to have kids.”
Another reason why I used to be silent about this is because I was afraid that I am setting myself up for a life of spinsterhood. Again, in my culture, it’s uncommon for a woman to feel this way (I say uncommon because I don’t know anyone in real life who shares my sentiments about motherhood or maybe they are scared of it as I was/am) and the chances of me meeting a partner who could feel the same way is very slim (maybe).
I would want to get married and I think that is something I can be very good at. But it’s important to be with someone who would be open minded to the idea that they can have me as a wife but not as a mother to their children. And I know it takes guts to accept someone like that but it also takes guts to admit to not wanting kids in the first place.
Kids are great! Not all the time of course, but they are amazing vulnerable creatures. I look at my friends who are now mothers and feel a tinge of envy whenever they gab about the progress their kids are having. I’m not envious to the late nights and diaper changing – although I am very good at both – I’m envious that they get to witness first hand the miracle of life. Of seeing someone mold into a person in front of their eyes. That’s something I want to witness but not experience first hand. I want to be a spectator, not a player.
I have a younger brother that I got to, actually, had to, take care of when I was 10. I was 10 and I was in charge of my brother’s well being. Diaper change, feeding, playtime, baths. For about 6 hours a day in the summer of 1998 and onwards, I was my baby brother’s parent. And before you judge my parents, you also have to know that my baby brother is now 18, is in his 2nd year of college, has not had alcohol or smoke cigarette or pot (or at least I know of), is respectful to all humans and God fearing. In short, the exact opposite of me. What I’m saying is, my brother has turned into a very ambitious independent (he is living on his own in a foreign country after living in a very secluded non 3rd world place) human being and I had a hand in making him that way. And maybe it wasn’t ideal to leave your 1 year old with a 10 year old, but that’s what my parents had to do to cut down on money on baby sitting. I had to grow up a lot faster than others, and you know what I don’t regret any of that.
The point is, I can take care of kids. I am great at taking care of them. Hand me over your toddler and I will wear them out while you go have a relaxing day at the movies where you can finally watch that R-rated film everyone is talking about BUT pick them up later in the day. It’s not about the lack of feeling maternal. What does that exactly mean anyway? I think anyone can be maternal. And I especially believe that you don’t have to want kids to prove that.
There are plenty more other reasons why I don’t speak about not wanting to have kids. I am sensitive to other people’s feelings and I am not punk rock like other people who claim that they don’t care what other people think.
I know people who have had a hard time raising kids or just having one. And although I am admittedly selfish, I know the feeling of wanting something and not having it at the time when you want it the most. It is very painful. Although my views are on the opposing side, I don’t shut down people who want to have kids and feel like they would be great mother’s. I have started this thing where I don’t judge people based on their choices no matter how easy it is sometimes more so because I don’t want them to do that to me. Have I stated enough how selfish I am.
This post is not here to convince you to feel the same way as I do nor am I justifying my choices in the matter. I am simply writing this all down because I was inspired by this post (and also this) and feel that I should not be ashamed of my decision over my own body.
I don’t know a lot of things but what I know is this. Children are amazing and they require a lot of patience and love that I don’t think I’ll be able to give. And it would be even more selfish of me to bring one more child in this over populated world if I am not 100% all in all for finding out if my life would be complete or not. I admire all parents, especially mine, because they know that life is hard but they continuously battle through it and parents have given other humans a chance to live and become the greats that we now know to be. That although I refuse to mother my own children I want to take care of other children, for a certain amount of time. I am supportive to all of my friends who are now parenting their own kids, to my friends who would want to have their own kids someday and to all of my friends who also feel the same way as I do.
And to women of my age who may be going through the same pressures of “doing it all”. Don’t give in to the pressure. You’re great no matter what your choices in the matter are. Unless you’re a serial killer then what are you doing reading this blog?! You have some serial killing to NOT do because it is illegal and hurtful you piece of shit.