adult life

Haircuts And The Way They Make Me Feel

Believe it or not, a blog post was supposed to be published last Friday but my internet crashed and so here I am making an attempt at another one.

I have no real excuse as to why I haven’t been writing here, but a lot of it has to do with unreliable internet. And also because of having little to no inspiration or little to no motivation or both.

But here’s something that I want to talk about. Haircuts. Yeah, haircuts.

I had a haircut done yesterday. No big deal, just a little bit of the bottom where all the splitends lie and I realized how little amount of my hair I’m willing to part with. I used to be adventurous with my hair, either dyeing it a different color every 3-4 months or cutting my own bangs or that one drunken night I purposefully cut ONLY one side of my head (which is a different story for later), but now, I’m just a big pussy about it.

So what am I getting at with this haircut rant? I’ll get to my point, I promise.

Hair is something that grows either I deal with it or not – unless you’re permanently bald then I’m sorry – but I can’t seem to commit with a simple haircut says a lot about myself and who I’m becoming as an adult person.

I’m less adventurous. Less willing to do anything that will somehow change my life. And it’s scaring me the more that I type this confession.

Is this the reason why I’m still unemployed? Why I write so little and blame the lack of inspiration as an excuse?? Why I fail at so many things this past few years? Why I’ve been avoiding my parents calls? Just a bunch of repressed feelings that are trying to crawl back up just because of a stupid haircut.

Sure, I got rid of my splitends but my hair still feels dry and for the life of me, is still unbrushed. Will my hair be forever in a tight bun to mask my ineptitude to make it look like prettier hair? I don’t think I want to be THAT person.

So maybe that haircut served a real (and better) purpose. It was a wakeup call. To do something REAL with my life. No ifs and or butts.

And I think realizing and talking about my issues – and putting it in a blog post is a real sign that I am trying.

 

Unemployed

I am currently (and still) unemployed. If my memory serves me right (it barely does), this is the longest I’ve been without a job. I try (at least for the first 2 months) to justify this lack of employment because I feel that I deserve a huge break because I slaved in a job I absolutely hated with no vacation, sick leaves or pretend-to-be-sick leaves for 2 years straight, and for my track record, that is, incredible.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m the world’s worst employee, ever. I’m probably world’s working for the money because the economy is not doing too great for me to actually try at a career I actually want employee. The whole idea of moving back here was for me to gamble my way into show business. Not as an actress, but anything to being a writer or someone who works with the writer was something I was going for. Turns out, those type of jobs are not available on jobstreet.com.

At this point, I’d be willing to work on my screenplay on the side if it means getting the salary I want plus medical insurance. It seems like the longer I wait(ed) for something to happen for me, the more it compromised the dream I made for myself before buying a ticket back.

It sounds depressing when I type it on a blog but being an adult means being realistic about a lot of things. So many things transpired since I came back and most of the things that did happen are things I didn’t realize would happen/something I was trying to avoid to happen but nevertheless I was kind of happy that it did happen. A lot of people in my life feel that it was a bad choice, or that it will crash and burn like it did before, I mean they didn’t have to say it, I can feel it in their non presence, but I am bravely standing by my decision.

I forget the point i was trying to make coming in to this blog post. I guess to sum things up, I feel currently bad about me being unemployed, I am looking for a job, and I feel farther from my friends when ironically, we now live in the same country again. There is a certain level of misery running in my veins, maybe it’s because I’m on my period or maybe because it’s exactly what I need to feel right now to get things moving in my life again.

Will fill you in with the progress or lack thereof in my life.

Back To The Drawing Board

I am well aware that I haven’t posted a thing in this blog for forever but rather than bombarding you with excuses that I’d rather tweet on Twitter (@dorasmonolgues) I’d just tell you about being inspired and hopefully to inspire another soul who may be in the rut right now.

I’ve always wanted to write a book. It has been a dream of mine since I was aware of what a book is and how it is made. So this dream has been long since overdue, like this post, and I’m going to be real honest with you because we’re friends and this is the internet, I have not made one conscious effort in making this dream a reality.

Some would argue that this blog a step towards that. But let’s be real. A book is only made when there is real commitment and I have none of that so far. It sucks, knowing what you want to do but feel like you have no real power to do it. Of course I can write a book. Any dum dum who puts their mind to it can write a book. But hardly anyone gets published. I get so down when I have this supposedly great idea and then found out later, some teen came up with almost the same idea and it’s already on it’s way to be the next Jennifer Lawrence movie.

There will be days where I would just type away some great story I cooked up in my head and while my fingers are busy typing and my heart is beating so hard and my brain is already thinking of all the people I’d care to thank in my acknowledgements the sucky side of me takes over and then I’d get insecure of my grammar and I proceed to spell check everything and then I’d remember there is this cat video I need to check on YouTube and then I’m back to not pursuing my dream.

I find little to no inspiration most days but there will be days where all I want to do is write and not care about how many ‘s’ is there in ‘disappointed’ and today is an inspirational day.

I’ve always been a reader, I guess you have to be to want to become a writer, right? But I haven’t really pick up a book and really commit to it until today. I decided to reread this book by this really famous content creator in YouTube and instantly felt inspired to write my experiences and how I want other people to read them and learn from my mistakes so they’d be less of an idiot (hopefully).

So what I’m going on about is this, it is never too late or too early to pursue your dreams but also don’t beat yourself up for not following some 10 year plan because life sucks and it is great at the same time and sometimes it’s just better to play with your two cute dogs than sit down and break your neck over some character that is likely going to die in chapter 2.

God, I missed ranting on here. Hopefully there is another one tomorrow?

“What’s Wrong With You?? Why Are You Smiling??!”

Reticent, meaning, not revealing thought’s and feelings readily, perfectly sums up who I am as a person. This morning, I woke up feeling great because I have 1 week and 5 days left of work before I leave for Philippines (yay!). The first thing one of the people here in the office asked me was, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you smiling?!” If you’ve been hanging out in this blog for a while you’d know that I’m not much a morning person. And everyone here in the office is used to it by now. So if I do show up wearing a smile on my face they think that something exceptional has happened. Other than the realization that I have few working days left, no, nothing exceptional. So this co-worker asked me another thing, “Is there any way for me to make sure that you’d be this smiley every morning?” And I answered, “No. There’s none.”

I am very reticent. There are days where I seem to be the most buoyant person in the room but deep inside I’m repressing a lot of soul wrenching things that I just want to forget about until I’m alone again in the safety of my room. And there are days where I just want to sit alone, quietly, listening to good music, but since I have a resting bitch face, everyone assumes I’m pissed at something. I’m sure I’m not the only person who deals with this. Everyone must have had this happened to them at one point in time. And it sucks doesn’t it? But it’s part of life and we just have to deal with it I guess.

How To Start Your Morning Right

I admit, I am NOT a morning person. I just am not. If you’ve been hanging out in this blog for a while now, first of all, “thank you!”, second, “really?!”. Also you’d know that I have a lot of aggression in me that I like to spread laboriously in forms of blog posts. People in IRL (that’s In Real Life to those of you who don’t Internet speak) know that I am not to be messed with in the morning and in turn I do not talk to anyone in the morning, even after I’ve had my coffee. I don’t know why. I have this rage issue (that I seriously need to address the minute I can afford therapy) that doubles up when the sun comes out. But as an adult you can’t just go around being a bitch and not bear the consequences. Trust me, I have. So, as best I can I have made several steps to turn my frown upside down.


DON’T say Good Morning

Just don’t. It’s better to not say it when you really don’t mean it. And I don’t most of the time. People here at work know that I’m not that girl who says “hi!” first or asks you how your weekend was, and they understand me for it. God bless!

As a kid I have incredibly dumb philosophies about almost everything (which infuriates my parents to this day) including saying “Good Morning”. I say, “say it when you only mean it”. It’s like saying “I Love You” and very different from having to say “Thank You”. When you greet people a “Good Morning” people will assume that you are having a good morning. And when you’re really not, that could pose a problem. So what if people think you’re having a bad day?! People should learn to leave people alone anyway especially when they’re having a bad day.

Good Music

Some time ago, I talked about how I can manipulate my mood by listening to music. If you really want to start your day as a bawling mess, listen to Bjork’s new album Vulnicura. Trust me, it’s a real Debbie Downer. But since you want to feel like a less piece of shit aim for something more upbeat. Personally, anything that takes me back to my years in College, when I can still wake up with a hang over and still go to a 7am class and ace a test, is something that always makes me smile. I’d like to believe I have better taste in music now but man oh man, anything Fall Out Boy or Taking Back Sunday really gets me going. And if I really need a serious “get me out of bed before I call in sick” I refer to the forever 90’s kid in me and unleash my MTv era playlist. Ace of Base? I got it! Chubawamba? Have it! The Best of Britney Spears? Duh! Any music that you love, just don’t think too much about it. You can always get back to listening to your holier than though podcasts later.

YouTube

You guys know I’m a YouTube whore. That I love to binge watch YouTube videos and not an actual whore that upload whorish videos on YouTube – sorry to disappoint. I’m the kind of person who wakes up before the alarm rings and then sleeps again and then wakes up frantically because the alarm went off 5 minutes ago. Now that I have full access to wifi, I wake up and immediately go to YouTube to wake up my brain. I’m the kind of stupid who would rather watch someone else do a 5 minute morning stretch than actually do it. I know, I’m the worst. Lately however, I’ve been relying on BuzzFeed videos to start my morning right-ish. Americans trying Filipino Street Food for the first time really gets my blood flowing, also makes me feel super bad ass for having the (useless) ability to stomach animal intestines. You don’t have to watch BuzzFeed videos per se. Just anything quick (or if it’s longish watch it while you’re getting ready) and something you’re not super invested in. If it’s watching unboxing videos for you, well, you do you.

P.S. Watching other people’s “Morning Routine” is the best

Exercise

I don’t regularly do this. I find that I am not good when it comes to exercising on purpose. Don’t get me wrong, I would walk miles but not for the purpose of exercise but for the fact that traffic is the worst and I would rather walk/sweat than sit in my butt for four wasteful hours. I feel silly when I exercise so I usually limit it to squats and jumping jacks, just enough to fool myself that I am actually doing my body good.

Caffeine/Liquids

I have a very sensitive stomach, especially in the morning. I cannot drink anything cold before lunch or else it’s diarrhea city. In fact I don’t eat anything at all after I’ve had a shower or what I’d like to call “my dose of reality”. Some people highly rely on caffeine to start their day right. It can ruin you in the long run but there’s something about coffee that is oh so sweet. Lately though, I’ve been drinking green tea more because of other (lactose) issues. So choose your morning poison carefully. Do you want a quick fix? Get coffee. You want to drink something warm and feel superior than everyone else? Drink green tea. Or be that kind of person who juices vegetables in the morning. Be that person everyone loves to hate but secretly aspires to be.

Read/Look at gifs

“But Dora! How do you expect me, a corporate working, fast paced living, technology using freak expect to read?! To read??!”

Ok, you need to calm down. Reading materials are available everywhere now and it comes in different sizes too. In fact, newspapers now come in a “choose your own adventure” type of format. It can be as short as 300 words or as long as this blog post. Segue to: You can read my blog.

This is very self serving, but for goodness sake, read my blog! Mostly because I’m a mess, and nothing is more invigorating than knowing that someone else in this world is having a hard time. Seriously, I invite you to laugh with me. Reading is cool again thanks to Kindle, so get yourself an ebook, or read an actual book.  And if you want it to be super digestible sign up on Tumblr and just scroll through your dashboard. Done and done!

Repress

Just take everything one step at a time. Not being a morning person is not a crime. In fact, it’s one of the few things we let people get away with. So if you’re having a hard time adjusting to another day of living, just repress it until you realize you’re halfway done through your shift and closer to going back to your Game of Thrones marathon. Or do what I do, blog incessantly before doing any actual work at work. Beats having to lash out at someone anytime.


So there you go! Those are some of my ways to combat the morning blues. Tell me, do you have more less stupid ways to go through another day? On a scale of 1-10 how dumb do you think this post is? Also, who do you think is the hotter Hemsworth brother? Chris right?!

Thoughts on Anxiety, Farts and Awkward Dancing

Lately, I’ve been reading up on books where the author would talk about dealing with anxiety and depression. Maybe I’m just over empathizing but I feel like I can relate to their stories of anxiety about a 100%, which is not all around good news for me. Let me also preface this entire post by saying that I come from a culture that does not necessarily acknowledge anxiety as a disorder or as an illness. Growing up, I just didn’t hear about it as much so I wondered if we really take anxiety seriously. Also, I am not at all an expert in any of this. Sure I have a science degree but I am in no way shape or form the best source of ways to deal with your anxiety. Seek a professional’s help. And no I don’t mean Wikipedia MD.

I am always anxious. I don’t know where I get it from because I have seemingly chill parents. I also get anxious about the small stuff. I’m constantly anxious about being late. I’m always anxious I don’t have enough cash to pay for whatever it is I’m purchasing. I’m always worrying about farting in public places. I get nervous at the prospect of removing my shoes because people would know how hideous my feet look and also they smell bad about 75% of the time. Add to that all the other stuff a lady in her late twenties worries about and you get a fun disaster.

I know what you’re going to say, this all seems to fall in the spectrum of normal. I thought so too. But the more I really think about it and the more I get to analyze myself do I realize that I have real anxiety issues. I also think it’s the reason why I have soooo many stomach problems. I am always nervous. A lot. Friends who have known me a long time would tell you otherwise but it’s only because I’m really really good at hiding it, which is the only real talent I can account for. I usually mask my nervousness by trying to be funny. I’m always anxious about making a fool of myself in social gatherings so instead of just waiting for the embarrassment to happen, I create the scene of embarrassment. Having a hard time understanding? Let me give you an example.

I am the worst in a bar and/or in a club. I don’t function well in flashing lights and DJ music. But for some reason, my college friends bullied me into celebrating my 22nd birthday in a bar. First of all, I didn’t know what to wear – which is a problem that I still deal with to this day. One of the many reasons why I like staying at home is because I want to be spared of the pressure of wearing something “nice” and “appropriate”. My closet is filled with old t-shirts I’ve outgrown and most likely will never wear again so I don’t have anything to wear in a bar setting or anywhere that requires to be outside. Turns out, most bars will allow you entry even if you’re only wearing short shorts, a skimpy top and flip flops (I was rocking a pair of leggings. It was my birthday after all). I didn’t want my birthday spoiled by acting like a total brat and complain about how loud the music is and declaiming how I would be rather be dead than dance to Black Eyed Peas in public. I figured, the only way I can make most of this birthday (the price of the drinks are ridiculous, even for a bar that allows flip flops wearing) is by getting out of my comfort zone. So after 4-5 shots later, I was up in the stage dancing and looking like a total idiot. I had a lot of fun because every awkward thing that happened that night was in my control. No one dragged me onstage and dared me break dance, I did it all on my own. And no, I was not very good at it. But I was funny and by the end of the night, I was drunk of a very good amount and made new friends. Also there were no video evidence that can implicate me. Over all it was a fun and exhausting birthday. But also something I would never do again.

The more I sit and really think hard about my issues, the more I realize how many things I get anxious over. I’m sure a lot of you out there can relate. I am on the Internet for about 75% (or more) of my everyday, I know what’s up. So I wonder how some of you deal with your anxiety. Do you pretend and make a fool of yourself like I do? Or stay in your sweatpants and live vicariously through YouTubers like I do? Or binge watch old Buffy The Vampire Slayer episodes to make you forget about your existensial crisis like I do? So far my cure works. And until I can afford an actual therapist this is it for now.

Take Me To My Happy Place

I’ve been trying to make time for other things other than work and stressing about work. I’ve been very bad at managing my time and especially been very bad at managing my feelings.
Instead of accepting a challenge, I’ve been constantly bitter which lead me to feeling mentally exhausted at the end of the day.
I’m the type of worker who prefers to work alone. I hate bothering people because I hate it when I’m bothered. So I like to know what I’m doing and when I don’t and I have to ask questions, I’m reduced to cinders. 
I know it’s bad. I know. I’m dealing with it.
But right now, I’m in my happy place in my head: I am in a foreign country. I don’t know anyone and nobody knows me. I can start off from scratch. I can be whoever I want to be. I can learn how to swim.  Or not. My happy place allows me to do whatever it is I want to do. In my happy place, I can eat pizza and drink Bloody Mary’s naked while I watch 30 Rock reruns. Or I can be rocking a bikini and playing frisbee wih my dog in a beach.
Sadly I can’t be in my happy place for too long. Because there are numbers to crunch.
What’s your happy place?