Thoughts on Weight, Losing Weight, Gaining Weight and My Insecurities

I am fat.

It’s mostly my fault. For the past two years I have adapted a “No Physical Activity Whatsoever” rule. Exercise? I never had to do it before, why start now?!

It’s true. I’ve never exercised before. Well, I’ve never exercised with the intention of exercising. Yes, there is a difference. Whenever people ask me about the difference of living in The Philippines and living in Bahrain, I say, “Everything” and point to my entire body.

When I say, I don’t have to exercise without the intention of exercising before, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I was in shape. I don’t think I was ever “in shape” my whole life. I did sports when I was in school, mostly because I need the grade. Philippine education never really saw the relevance in sports and not unless someone saw a potential, there is no way your gym coach will push you take basketball as a career option. I don’t even know what being “in shape” means, in shape for what really? I think being in shape to run a 30K marathon and climbing a mountain would not mean the same. I guess the only thing I was ever in shape for was to survive a 16 hour shift, with only one full meal in between and still have energy to wash my clothes by hand and clean my one bedroom apartment.

My life in The Philippines was exercise. I lived alone and had only myself to think about which seems like an easy thing in concept but a full time job that I can’t quit and don’t get paid for. This is why I have such high regards to single parents that don’t have help taking of their child/children. I am my own child. People think that having a place on your own is the ultimate way of living a carefree life. Sure, you get to walk around naked all the time but you have to pay for that crawlspace every month. And if you’re working as a call center agent, that’s a lot out of your monthly salary.

You want to know what living a carefree life is all about? Moving back in your still-working-parents place in your 20’s. That’s right. After about 10 years of being on my own and having to constantly ask mall attendants, “Do you have this in XS?”, I have traded my independence for a mom that constantly cooks and a dad that does the laundry for me. I am my parents god damn princess!

Right now, I am at my heaviest. If you’re asking for a number, I don’t have it. The only way I know I am is that now, I don’t have to ask for a mall attendant for a size. I just grab the size marked Large and I should be good. I don’t even have to try it on! Win!

So what is the sense of all this? Umm… I don’t have an exact mission coming in but I’ll try to boil this down to something.

I don’t like talking about weight. Not just my weight, but everyone else’s. Media made us believe that we have to look a certain way to be considered healthy, and I just don’t believe in that. I should know. I saw someone died with Lung Cancer who has zero history of smoking, is health conscious, and swims every week. Which led me to believe that you can pretty much do everything you can to prevent a disease from happening but if you’ll get it, you’ll get it. Which sounds really really dark but really really true. I’m sure pedantics would like to say otherwise, but I like things to be simplified.

Exercising (to me) is any physical exercise that makes you feel good that eventually makes you look good. I don’t know where I’m getting at making a post like this. I’m not even sure I know what it is that I’m saying. All I know is I kind of hate people who have to constantly shove their idea of perfect over other people’s  throats.

Maybe what all this stems from is that in a week I’ll be going back to The Philippines and I have to explain to my friends how I managed to look…worse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with the way I look. It’s not a complete disaster but it’s not on top of my to do list either. It’s fine. I just don’t know if other people will be fine with it. I’m already getting waves of mental images of horror of my friends when they see me. I’m already collating all the snarky comebacks I can dole out at every opportunity. Can you believe it took me 4 hours to come to this conclusion.

If I’m being really honest, the reason for this post is I woke up feeling like an absolute shit. I just don’t like everything and I blamed it all in the way I look. I hate that feeling. I don’t even want to wish it to my non existent enemies. During the commute to work, I started Googling about ways to “improve myself” and all I see is Kale Kale Kale and other obvious ways that seems so doable yet so unachievable. And then I stopped, because I am being ridiculous. I have to realize that the reason why Scarlett Johansson is so god damn fine is because she gets paid to do it. Again pedantics, whatever!

I would delete this post but I already wasted 4 hours of my day on this.


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