Thoughts on Anxiety, Farts and Awkward Dancing

Lately, I’ve been reading up on books where the author would talk about dealing with anxiety and depression. Maybe I’m just over empathizing but I feel like I can relate to their stories of anxiety about a 100%, which is not all around good news for me. Let me also preface this entire post by saying that I come from a culture that does not necessarily acknowledge anxiety as a disorder or as an illness. Growing up, I just didn’t hear about it as much so I wondered if we really take anxiety seriously. Also, I am not at all an expert in any of this. Sure I have a science degree but I am in no way shape or form the best source of ways to deal with your anxiety. Seek a professional’s help. And no I don’t mean Wikipedia MD.

I am always anxious. I don’t know where I get it from because I have seemingly chill parents. I also get anxious about the small stuff. I’m constantly anxious about being late. I’m always anxious I don’t have enough cash to pay for whatever it is I’m purchasing. I’m always worrying about farting in public places. I get nervous at the prospect of removing my shoes because people would know how hideous my feet look and also they smell bad about 75% of the time. Add to that all the other stuff a lady in her late twenties worries about and you get a fun disaster.

I know what you’re going to say, this all seems to fall in the spectrum of normal. I thought so too. But the more I really think about it and the more I get to analyze myself do I realize that I have real anxiety issues. I also think it’s the reason why I have soooo many stomach problems. I am always nervous. A lot. Friends who have known me a long time would tell you otherwise but it’s only because I’m really really good at hiding it, which is the only real talent I can account for. I usually mask my nervousness by trying to be funny. I’m always anxious about making a fool of myself in social gatherings so instead of just waiting for the embarrassment to happen, I create the scene of embarrassment. Having a hard time understanding? Let me give you an example.

I am the worst in a bar and/or in a club. I don’t function well in flashing lights and DJ music. But for some reason, my college friends bullied me into celebrating my 22nd birthday in a bar. First of all, I didn’t know what to wear – which is a problem that I still deal with to this day. One of the many reasons why I like staying at home is because I want to be spared of the pressure of wearing something “nice” and “appropriate”. My closet is filled with old t-shirts I’ve outgrown and most likely will never wear again so I don’t have anything to wear in a bar setting or anywhere that requires to be outside. Turns out, most bars will allow you entry even if you’re only wearing short shorts, a skimpy top and flip flops (I was rocking a pair of leggings. It was my birthday after all). I didn’t want my birthday spoiled by acting like a total brat and complain about how loud the music is and declaiming how I would be rather be dead than dance to Black Eyed Peas in public. I figured, the only way I can make most of this birthday (the price of the drinks are ridiculous, even for a bar that allows flip flops wearing) is by getting out of my comfort zone. So after 4-5 shots later, I was up in the stage dancing and looking like a total idiot. I had a lot of fun because every awkward thing that happened that night was in my control. No one dragged me onstage and dared me break dance, I did it all on my own. And no, I was not very good at it. But I was funny and by the end of the night, I was drunk of a very good amount and made new friends. Also there were no video evidence that can implicate me. Over all it was a fun and exhausting birthday. But also something I would never do again.

The more I sit and really think hard about my issues, the more I realize how many things I get anxious over. I’m sure a lot of you out there can relate. I am on the Internet for about 75% (or more) of my everyday, I know what’s up. So I wonder how some of you deal with your anxiety. Do you pretend and make a fool of yourself like I do? Or stay in your sweatpants and live vicariously through YouTubers like I do? Or binge watch old Buffy The Vampire Slayer episodes to make you forget about your existensial crisis like I do? So far my cure works. And until I can afford an actual therapist this is it for now.

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