I’m A Belieber

Happy April fools everybody!

To tell you the truth, I have never heard of April Fools’ existence before Facebook. When I found out what April Fools is I was really disappointed that we only get away with pranking people once a year. Personally, I don’t like being pranked. But if it’s only mildly crazy and within reason, ok, I could be the butt of a joke in a 2 minute YouTube video. Sadly, I have no friends to prank. What I do got is the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.

Justin Motherfucking Bieber. Love him or hate him, he’s a somebody. People know him and he’s rich. But that’s about all we know about the guy. Well, that and him being an asshole. And he acknowledges it.

For his 21st birthday, Justin Bieber asked Comedy Central to get a bunch of (has been) celebrities to mock him in front of a live audience and then broadcast it for the rest of the world to see. As a person who is constantly curious about the human nature, I wonder what this means for Justin Bieber, even calling the entire night as “a dream come true.” If he literally means that, then that’s sad.

First off, I’m not a fan of roasts. I don’t like it when shit gets too real. In fact, the only other roast I really watched was last year’s Roast of James Franco. THAT was fun. You have James Franco, who really is not that hated of a guy. In fact, he’s had a pretty clean slate (not if you count his Oscar stint – which I did not watch – but seriously, was it that bad?) before the roast. Jokes about Franco mostly consisted of him being an over achiever, a strange “not really that funny” guy, a ladies man but is a closeted gay, etc. And you have a bunch of his comedian friends talk about him like they’re shooting a sequel to This is The End.

Bieber’s roast is different, mostly because he’s (was?) an asshole. And you know people are going to talk about him being an asshole. Although the majority would vote that he deserves it, the guy still is human. A 21-year-old human who fucked up and maybe would fuck up some more, but still, a human.

Who am I kidding. I love comedy! And like chocolate it can be hard to swallow and digest when it’s dark, but I still like it. But if you’re not, here are some of the highlights of the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber a.k.a MY dream come true.

Kevin Hart

Me personally I’m not mad at Justin. I’m gonna tell you who I’m mad at. I’m mad at his manager. Scooter Braun discovered Justin Bieber. Scooter was 25-years-old. He was a single man living in Atlanta alone, when he found Justin Bieber on the internet in the middle of the night. In the middle of the night! Sounds to me like Scooter was fresh off a dick-beating session.

Pete Davidson

To Kevin Hart: It’s honor to be in a roast hosted by Shaq’s dick.

My cast-mate on SNL Kate McKinnon, does a perfect impression of Justin. Perfect, right down to the clit. 

Justin’s fucked more models than bulimia. He’s the only thing they swallow and don’t throw back up. 

To Justin: I just want to say how cool it what you’re doing. Like, you’re the dude for our generation, like, and it’s just so cool to see someone our age do exactly what he wants to do, and you just took over the world. It really is an inspiration. This kid’s fucking insane. 

Natasha Leggero

Kevin’s actually going to be in the next season of Game of Thrones. He’s playing Peter Dinklage’s shadow. 

You know a lot of people don’t know this. “Shaquille” is an Arabic name for “handsome”, and “O’neal” is the Irish word for “just kidding.”

All these rappers on stage, and Martha Stewart has done more jail time. 

Martha Stewart

To Natasha: I do a lot of gardening but you are without a doubt the dirtiest, used up ho I have ever seen. 

Let’s get to the reason why I’m here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup, and you wouldn’t last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. You see, when I did my stretch, all the hood rats in my cellblock wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass, so I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke, and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. 

Justin, before I go, here’s my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal, but she’ll have to be someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. So Justin, my final piece of advice is call me, or — Or not. I’m out bitch. 

Jeff Ross

Shaq was the original Two Chainz — ’cause that’s how he was brought into this country.

To Justin: You are the King Joffrey of Pop.

Hannibal Buress

To Justin: They say, roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all man. 

Justin Bieber

What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you lesbian for two hours. 

There really is no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old and I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed in myself for. But the things I have done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and through it all I lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is I’m looking forward to being someone you guys can all look at and be proud of. Someone you can smile at and see yourself in.

Someone close to me once said, “It’s how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.” I’m excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you so much for taking this journey with me and I’m excited for you to see what’s next.

Over all I thought the roast was pretty great. I don’t know how this is going to affect Justin. If this is when he finally turn things around. I hope he does. I really hope he tries.

Here’s the thing, I’m not a fan of Justin Bieber, at all. Nor do I dislike him or his music. I don’t necessarily follow news about him but he would pop up in my news feed once in a while, and they are not good news. But I have to say I give him props for giving himself this. He wanted people to tell him what a piece of shit he is, maybe because he’s been told he can do anything he wants because he’s a money spitting machine. Justin is generating so much money, everyone around him must be cleaning up after every time he takes a shit, and that’s not all on him.

None of us know what being a platinum selling artist is. Or to have a million hits on YouTube. Or to have a lot of screaming border line insane fans. Or to be worth 200 Million. I’m not saying I like the guy. Just saying that if the people didn’t hate on him so much or have judged him or made fun of him, he might have turned out to be completely different. Or not. Who knows.

Maybe he’ll change. OR. Maybe he’s headed for the same life every drugged up celebrity has been at the age of 40. Either or, we shouldn’t really care.


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