If you would have told me a couple of years ago that I would dedicate a whole blog post to One Direction, 1. I would have slapped your dirty mouth and 2. I would ask you what One Direction is. Of course I’m kidding. I know exactly who One Direction is, thanks to the billion screaming teenage girls who dedicate a shrine/Tumblr account to these gentlemen. Ok, maybe I have Google Image search “Harry Styles” a few (countless) times.
They are pleasing to look at but after their live performance in SNL (host Amy Adams), I thought, hey, their songs ain’t half bad either. My mission, to listen to the entire Four album and let you know what I think of each song. One Direction Album. 16 songs (deluxe version). Let’s do this.
1. Steal My Girl
“Everybody wanna steal my girl. Everybody wanna take her heart away.”
A song about this “holy grail” girl type that everyone is out to get. But of course she “belongs” to One Direction
What I think about it: Exactly what I expected out of a One Direction album. Which is not a bad thing to say. The song is upbeat and the lyrics are catchy without sounding too offensive to a feminist like me.
Listen to this when: You’re cleaning the house or when you want to do some shoulder dances.
2. Ready To Run
There’s a future in my life I can’t foresee
Unless of course I stay on course and keep you next to me
A song about abandoning everything for the person you love no matter how uncertain the future is.
What I think about it: Actually, my favorite song off the album. And probably one of the great songs that I listened to this week.
Listen to this when: When you’re on the verge of quitting work, because you’re finally ready to run and be free.
3. Where Do Broken Hearts Go
Are you sleeping baby by yourself?
Or are you giving it to someone else?
A song about looking for the heartbroken girl for an easy booty call.
What I think about it: Where do broken hearts go? They’re usually at home, in sweat pants, demolishing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
Listen to this when: You’re Barney Stinson.
I wanna love like you made me feel
When we were 18
A song about young love that does not include alcohol, prohibited drugs and unprotected hurried sex.
What I think about it: I usually detest the type of songs who over romanticize teen love but these One Direction guys we’re just 18 what? 2-3 years ago? I’ll give it a couple more years though.
Listen to this when: You reconnected with that girl/boy you went out to prom with in Facebook
5. Girl Almighty
I’d get down, I’d get down, I’d get down on my knees for you
A song about worshiping a girl because she just made a kickflip to darkslide. Or at least I assume.
What I think about it: Great intro! Seriously! The guitar acoustics in this is legit. Props to whoever wrote this.
Listen to this when: When you’re making a TV promo montage.
6. Fool’s Gold
And yeah I’ve let you use me from the day that we first met
But I’m not done yet falling for you
A song about letting a girl dupe you because she’s hot.
What I think about it: I get it. You needed at least one “I’m heartbroken” in a boy band pop album. Good thing it’s quite good.
Listen to this when: You’ve been bullied to joining a pyramid scheme or when you’ve just been friendzoned.
7. Night Changes
Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of disappearing when you wake up
But there’s nothing to be afraid of even when the night changes
A song about a booty call turned serious.
What I think about it: God damn it! I should be better than this but this song and the music video just makes me grin like a moronic idiot. No regrets.
Listen to this when: When you’re PMSing. Get in your pajamas. Crush a bag of Fritos and sprinkle it on top of salted caramel brownies.
8. No Control
Beside you I’m a loaded gun
I can’t contain this anymore
A song about boys being rowdy, because hormones.
What I think about it: Picturing a bunch of tweens head banging, raising their hands in a rock sign and calling this punk rock.
Listen to this when: You’re a tween. Just don’t look up the lyrics.
I’m feeling something deep inside,
Hotter than a jet stream burning up,
A song about winning the girl despite all the odds.
What I think about it: I like this one. This is what I imagine the Beatles would sound like in the new age. Has One Direction reached Beatles status yet or do we need them to be broken up by Zayn’s fiance?
Listen to this when: You’re in a wedding reception and you want everyone to dance without injuring the oldies.
We keep taking turns
Will we ever learn?
A song about the inevitable break up.
What I think about it: Not as sappy as I thought it would be. A good break up song that deviates from your usual self hate self blame.
Listen to this when: You’re looking for the male version of Robyn’s Call Your Girlfriend.
11. Stockholm Syndrome
Baby look what you’ve done to me
Baby look what you’ve done now
A song about losing self control, because hormones.
What I think about it: I can see myself liking this if I randomly heard this in a department store.
Listen to this when: You’re dog/cat/whatever pet you have crazy
You’re gonna want the air that I breathe
You’re gonna wish you never left me
A song about a guy talking shit about his ex to his mates while at a local pub.
What I think about it: I wouldn’t have thought this was One Direction. The beat of the chorus just kills it. In a really really good way.
Listen to this when: When you’re talking shit about your ex. A pub setting is optional.
13. Change Your Ticket
And you say it’s hard to keep a secret
Girl don’t leave me all alone in this hotel
A song about a guy wanting to spend more time with his mistress.
What I think about it: I’m at the age where my mind just refuses to memorize any relevant new information like my bank account number. But One Direction lyrics? It just took me 2 listens of this song!
Listen to this when: You want to drown the whining of children while grocery shopping with their parents and celebrate the fact that you don’t have a kid at the same time.
Oh baby this is not an illusion
There’s magic between you and me
A song about a guy hitting on a girl on a bar and trying to convince her that his magic tricks does not make him a “creep”
What I think about it: Boy band boy band boy band!
Listen to this when: You’re initiating someone in a feminist sisterhood. The challenge is not to roll your eyes.
15. Once In A Lifetime
Not even a landslide or riptide
Could take it all away
A song about destiny, that it actually exists and one person is meant for just that one person.
What I think about it: For a while there I thought I was going to hear Gotye sing Someone That I Used To Know.
Listen to this when: You’re a single female in your late twenties and you want a song to represent the irony of your dried out vagina.
16. Act My Age
When I’m fat and old and my kids think I’m a joke
Cause I move a little slow when I dance
A song about refusing to grow out the boy band phase because that tween money is still paying off the mortgage.
What I think about it: *does an Irish dance*
Listen to this when: You’re one of the One Direction boys in a reunion concert 50 years from today.
Over all I really liked this album and would even listen to it even after this experiment. Not that it means I’m a die hard fan but I’m glad that young people are listening to music like this. I grew up in the 90’s and I had to listen to a buttload of crap (that’s subjective) about someone’s Coco Jambo and about Just Wanting Another Baby Like It’s No Big. Ah, the 90’s was weird.
In the scale of 1-to never, how much did this convince you to listen to One Direction? Or you’d rather remain a music snob? Of course I’m kidding! You can keep polishing your vinyls and tuning your Ukulele and I’d still love you!
What album should I listen/review next? Let me know in the comments!
Till then, stay young humans.