It’s just a fact of life that women bleed once a month and we should all be over it by now. Did I say we? I mean to say men should be over it by now. The ladies however have every right to piss and moan about their monthly periods because well, anyone who shoves a cotton wad up their person and tolerates it on a monthly basis and successfully makes it appear that it doesn’t exist deserves a best actress award. Move over Jennifer Lawrence.
One of my guy friends asked me, what is the near equivalent of having a napkin or tampon up in their person for men? And I said, you know that feeling you get when your balls are in a disarray and their all sweaty? Well that, but only we don’t get to shove our hands down our pants and “re-arrange” them. My guy friend hit me up with a follow up question of, why not? I got close to his face and said this with emphasis, because there’s blood in them.
All this menstrual talk makes me look back at my first dance with the Bloody Baron. I was 12 and I was still sporting a Dora the Explorer haircut (I know, she’s Dora, I’m Dora, joke joke joke. Just remember I was here first) and one school day morning I woke up to the sight of blood in my sheets. Now, I’m not a complete idiot but for a second there I thought I was stabbed in my sleep and that I miraculously healed myself like I was mother freaking Wolverine. But before I got to call Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, I looked down at my pants and went, Oh. It’s just my bloody period. I am not making this up. The first thing I said when I had my menstruation was “I got my bloody period”. This is, first of all, redundant and second, pretentious as hell! I’m not British and as far as I’m concerned, I’m not allowed to say bloody not unless it’s to describe my menstruation.
So when the initial shock was over and done with, I was instantly overcome with a sense of panic. I immediately removed my bloody sheets and pajamas, rolled them up into a ball and hid it inside an old backpack. I then ran to the bathroom, took a shower, checked the floor for any drips – ladies, always check the floor for drips – and sneaked inside my parent’s bedroom and took 4 of my mom’s lady pads.
Why I didn’t tell my mom about me getting my period? I don’t know. I have two brothers so no one else but me had to deal with this kind of dilemma. And none of the cotton pad commercials were any help in that department too. Seriously, advertisers, get it together! Stop making girls go giggle and jump in a cotton pad commercial and show them the real thing! And also, every pad should come with instructions ok?!
My celebration of successfully sneaking a pad was short lived because then I was daunted by the fact that I don’t exactly know how to do this. I mean sticking a pad in your panties is not exactly rocket science, I know that now, but I was 12 and I was running late for school. So I just removed the sticky paper, placed the napkin in my underpants and got dressed.
Now I’m feeling smug at this point. Not only did I pull a napkin heist, I lived through my first period without having to go through the disgusting Filipino rituals I’ve heard about. In reflection, this may be the reason why I didn’t want to tell my mom. What those rituals are, trust me, you don’t want to know.
Not until I had to go to pee the first time that day, did I realize that I was the stupidest girl in the planet. Girls do a lot of stupid things all the time but I was a trending hashtag at that exact moment. My own DNA was giving me judgy eyes asking me, are you really a girl? And then I blame my DNA because it did not give me all the female instincts I need to deal with the situation I’m facing.
If your guess was, she totally placed the sticky side up of that napkin in her panties, then you move on to the final round! 12-year-old Dora Argh, who is just trying to survive puberty, literally sticked a maxipad on her person! You may be thinking, s’not a big a deal. She just had to yank it off, right? Well it was a big deal because it bloody hurt! And I’m not saying bloody like an archaic swearword, but bloody as in BLOOD everYwhere!
How I lived through the rest of the day I don’t exactly remember. I may have passed out from the blood loss. But in all seriousness, a girl can be on her 10th year of dealing with menstruation and she would still deal with it like it’s her first time. It’s either too early or worse (for some) too late. It’s either too long or too short. It’s too much or too little. It’s too painful or not at all.
Some girls are just lucky enough to have the same friend visit them over and over but others, like me, we had to just wait and see what kind of menstruation we’ll be dealing with when it finally decides to come.
So that’s another thing I just decided to tell you about me. I don’t normally share this kind of stuff. I blame menstruation for this.