(Oh!) Dear Dora – My Fiancee Is Trying To Kill Me…With Extreme Tickling

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Dear Dora,

I love my fiancee dearly, though I do have a little problem. He is often prone to subjecting me to heavy bouts of tickling. I am quite the ticklish one, and though I try not to, I can’t help but laugh (for one must!). He likes hearing me laugh so he continues, despite me – on numerous occasions – reminding him that tickling has been used as a form of torture. The problem for me is that he is not ticklish in the slightest (and in case it is relevant, he also has an unbelievably hard skull, which he sometimes head-butts me with) so I can never retaliate. Any advice on how I can get back at him will be gratefully received.

Yours truly (if your advice is good enough),
The Tickled One.

 

Dear The Tickled One,

As soon as I have read your mail I decided to respond right away, abandoning all other work related stuff I have lying around (you know, stuff that has an actual deadline). This is serious serious stuff. I don’t condone tickling – as I am very ticklish myself – and has listed it in my top 10 deal breakers for emphasis. In fact, I don’t condone touching at all (don’t ask me why I’m single).

I suggest practicing a poker face while being tickled. This can be achieved if you would take 2-3 hours of your everyday by self-tickling. The idea is to make you immune to any type of tickling. I believe this is part of the training of British guards. The guarantee of this method is 0%

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As for the head butting, I believe that this is part of a mating ritual. Please check the genealogy of your fiance and see if he has any relations to the head-butting men of the island of Bison (may be fictional). Consider yourself lucky as a hard-skull is a sign of virility and also a sign of zero brain damage.

Seeing as retaliating with tickles won’t work on your fiance, I suggest baking a big delicious chocolate cake (or any flavor that he can’t resist) and lock the cake in a glass case. For everyday that he won’t tickle you, let him have a bite of the cake. This also works with pizzas, burritos, crisps, sausages, brownies, donuts, french fries, burgers…wait, what are we talking about again?

Hope this helped.

❤ Dora

 

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5 comments

  1. In the fiancee’s defence, I believe the ‘head-butting’ is actually a Simpsons reference where Homer is copying an elephant and it is more of a ‘head-nudge’ to the shoulder. I realise this is a very specific guess, but I would bet money that is the case. As for the tickling, perhaps it is retaliation for the many pranks the non-pranking guy suffered? Again, purely speculation, but I am guessing I am spot on.

    Liked by 1 person

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