Dear Future Me (and other reader),
I’ve always been bad at feeling and emotions. Owning up to them or acknowledging them. I repress a lot, and I know enough to know that it’s not healthy to repress, but that’s what I do. That’s why I like to watch movies that makes you cry, that is about the only time I let myself feel whatever it is that I’m feeling. But in the real world, where, let’s say a friend is pouring her heart in front of me, I would just be shocked still, too afraid that if I move, do anything to console her, she’ll cry more and louder. I’m not the best friend to be around for those moments.
I’ve kept a diary since I was in 6th grade because writing makes me feel better. I usually start a blog account because I was exceptionally feeling shitty that day and I thought that I would be braver at confronting my feelings if I type them all down. But even with the safety of anonymity, I just can’t seem to allow myself to be truthful that this makes me sad, or that makes me angry, or this is depressing me…it’s a tough way to live. One thing I would admit to is that I am good at lying to people and to myself about my true feelings. When someone does something horrible to me and confronts me about it, I go, “I’m fine. I was not hurt it all”, but deep inside I’m diarrhea. Just wet and painful and suppressed.
The reason why I’m writing this is I was thinking of starting a podcast. I don’t even want to label it as a podcast because podcast is like a professional term that I shouldn’t use for this “idea” that I have. I originally wanted to write an advice column type blog, thinking that it would help me better myself in addressing my own emotions and shit if I get to talk about (and help) other people with their issues. Think Andrew W.K, just less cool.
So I don’t know, maybe this will happen, maybe it won’t. I mean, I don’t know enough people who would voluntarily as me questions let alone advice.
But if any of you gets to read this, and you have like a thing you want to talk about with someone, maybe we can start here. Send me a comment, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. No subject is taboo. You can remain anonymous. Or if you just want to talk, add me on Facebook (same email). But if no one would respond I think it’s already cool that I at least had the strength to say and admit how much I suck. I guess that’s step one, right?
P.S. – Are we still bad at admitting to our true feelings? If yes, go out and appreciate the beauty of the world. If no, update this post.