A Letter To My Future Self – Why I Blog

Dear Future Me,

I’m just going to type all of this shit in my chest. So I’m going to set aside all this incessant need for grammar perfection, because I just don’t want this emotions sitting on my chest fester a lot longer than it should. And I know that I’ll feel a whole lot better when I’ve typed this away. So bear with me, or just don’t read this at all. I don’t care. 

I used to have this friend, I comfortable say use to because we don’t talk anymore. We just stopped talking to each other. We both had our reasons and because I’m me, I thought and still think that my reason is more acceptable. 

I’ve met so many people in my very short lived 27 years of existence (I say this because I’m the kind of person who wants to live till I’m 100, although my choices won’t allow me to do that, so no, 2 decades is not “long”) and they have all come and gone, and by now I have fashioned myself a harder shell to not be too bothered by these people leaving. And this friend should not be any different. But she was and is. Because she is the only friend I had in this place.

This place is my job. It’s not actually a job. It’s just something I have to do in order for society to not classify me as a worthless piece of shit. And money. Definitely in this place for the money. Mind you, it’s not a lot, but it’s better than having no money at all.

You can probably tell that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows over here but it’s not that bad either. I mean, it’s certainly not the worst place I’ve worked in. In fact, I’m typing this at work right now and I’ve never had this amount of freedom before in a workplace. But it’s also the most unchallenging (spell check is telling me unchallenging is not a word and it’s so hard to move past the thought without having to correct it) place I’ve been in. So I guess having a friend even if it’s just the one gave me a reason to be here. I mean, other than the societal judgery and the money. Never forget the money.

This used to be friend of mine is married with one kid. She is not in a happy marriage but that’s her story to tell. Let’s just say that since we’re friends I was a constant punching bag for all her pent up emotions at home. I have recommended blogging but she was not interested. I used to even blog her woes on her behalf, anonymously of course. She got to read the blog at some point and laughed at how sometimes she is angered by the most insane things that she has never been upset about before her marriage. 

So this is our dynamic for a year. She vent, I listen and since I am Bender from Futurama, I don’t know how to exactly deal with emotions, especially marital problems. So I try to do what I do best. Make her laugh and hopefully make her forget about spousal indifference’s, even if it’s just for 8 hours of everyday. 

But I got pissed off. And it has nothing to do with being a constant punching bag. It was about work. Because she had all this baggage her work is being neglected and because I work in the same department as hers, I had to cover her ass all the time. 

I don’t want to stress too much about this. But now, she’s leaving and we haven’t been talking for a long time. Which I’m fine with.

The thing that is bothering me is this emotions I’m having over her leaving and not addressing our situation. 

I felt it’s unfair that she hadn’t tried to work things out between us when I did, like I deserved some sort of explanation, that I don’t deserve being ignored.

But I know that i am feeling these things because I let myself feel them. I am responsible for my feelings and however way I’ll display them is on me too. Which I think something that people forget, especially when they’re soo at someone. That leads to a fight or worse a passive aggressive exchange on the internet.

I do feel better now that I’ve typed this. But the thing about feelings is that they are uncontrollable. Or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. We were provoked. We were tested. We were pushed to our limit. The human mind is incredible right. That it can be willed by a feeling to do something. Stealing a kiss. Stealing. Trying to catch the guy who stole something. It’s amazing. But I’d rather have full control of my mind thank you. I want every single thing that I’ve said be filtered before it escapes my mouth. 

And the only time I’d completely let go is here, in my little space on the internet. And that is why I blog. 

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15 comments

  1. I didn’t read this until you commented on this Dave. It now seems silly and I decided to leave the errors in this post uncorrected. Deliberately (I’m now talking to future me)!

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  2. Is it possible to catch her one day before she leaves for good and be like, “Hey, I hope you like your new job,” or something like that? That way she’ll leave on a good note between you two, instead of a weird, festering note.

    Or has she already left for good?

    -john

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    1. She’s still here. I don’t know for how long or where she’s headed to. I was hoping that she can tell me at least being we work for the same department and everything. But I guess I shouldn’t expect that from people because they have their own reasons for not talking.
      I am thinking about talking to her. Maybe not personally because I’d rather have the time to think about what I want to say and maybe it’s best if I leave her a letter.
      But a part of me doesn’t want to, because the last time that I tried to mend things with her, she blew me off. And I’m not the kind to like “hey let’s talk and try to resolve things”. And when I did, I just got slammed down. And I know she has her reasons. But I’m just really butt hurt. And again, this is so hard for me to accept. That I’m even affected by this. I don’t know..

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, a letter might be a good idea! Especially if you think she’ll shoot down any kind gesture or pleasantry you try to speak towards her.

        But then you might worry about what she thinks of the letter! At least you will have tried though. I’ve found that most of the time, the other person is not going to “be the bigger person” and try to mend fences with you when something causes a problem.

        It’s always up to you to do something about it. That’s kind of frustrating, but I guess it is what it is.

        But yeah, a letter sounds like a good idea to me. But what do I know? 😛

        -john

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      2. I’m not too worried about being shoot down I guess. Just scared to know that I’m not relevant to her anymore. Maybe I don’t want to find out. Because she does seem happy when I see her in and around the office. And I’m just talking to no one.

        Geez. I sound like a miserable cat lady. But maybe I am a miserable cat lady. Haha.

        But thanks. You made me feel better. You’re comment is like an internet hug…or an awkward pat on the back.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You don’t sound like a miserable cat lady, haha. I don’t like people being upset with me, it makes me very neurotic and I obsess about it. It’s like I HAVE to rectify the situation before I can move on and think about anything else.

        So I (think I) know how you feel.

        I think you are a cool lady, so whatever happens, don’t let it get you down too much!

        -john

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      4. Well, I am relieved that I am a cool lady in your opinion. Or at least my internet alter ego is.
        I got bullied a lot so I know exactly what being hurt means and what it can do to someone. So maybe I make it a point not to be too friendly with everyone because I’m afraid of offending people. Because when I do hurt someone it hurts me that I did. And yeah, I go neurotic, and then I start a blog. Haha. Thanks again!
        Say hi to Sarah for me! I have yet to listen to her comeback episode. And much love to Chris’ beard. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Sorry to butt in but I definitely agree with what you said. At this point, since she’s leaving and all, there’s really nothing much to lose if you’re the one to reach out, be it personally or via email/letter. Worst case scenario is that she blows you off, but whatever, she won’t be with you for eight hours of your day and be awkward. I say take that first step to bridge that gap. If she doesn’t do her part, then it’s on her.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I already did the first step which was talk to her and I was even open to the idea of forgetting the whole thing. But before that I wanted her to know what upset me, because I don’t want it to look like I was just being bitchy for the attention. But she decided to not talk to me. And after that I was screw it. Then I found out she’s leaving and all.

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      7. Yeah but obviously the whole thing is still bothering you. I say take control of the situation and do something about it, instead of being miserable and being bothered by the whole thing. Okaay, so you took the first step before and she didn’t respond the way you expected. the stakes are sort of higher now because this maybe the last time you get to patch things up with her leaving and all. Would you really want it to end like that? If you just want to air out your side then the letter idea is your best bet to go about it. That way you get to “filter” your words and be as precise as you can be.

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      8. I’m pretty sure that I will. I will never let this go without having the last say. I will expect that that the letter will be a little violent because I’m still mending wounds. But it will also be apologetic. I will break down, like I’m known to do when it comes to friends. It’s just that my “pride” is wounded that I’m not “special” or “worthy” enough for her to do the first move. I think that’s the whole issue. Is that I’m not worth the “fight”.

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      9. Maybe she feels the same way? i dunno. There’s always two sides to a story, for all we know you guys might be singing the same tune. With these type of things i personally find it better to be proactive because there’s comfort to be taken when the ball is in your court, so to speak. But that’s me.

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      10. Good points, Girlie R! Makes me think I might have actually given some good advice. Either that, or we are both crazy 🙂

        I hope you two can make amends, Dora! But if not, eh? Oh well, at least you tried!

        -john

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